I’d like to tell you about my friend Frank Seekins. I think it’s important that he is remembered because he was an extraordinary man. And he was a friend of mine for over 20 years.

I met him when I was in a men’s Monday morning breakfast that started out over 25 years ago with my close friend and neighbor Steve Kessler, a dermatologist who lived down the street. Steve and I went to Living Streams Church in Phoenix and met every Monday morning to talk about life, the good, the bad, the ups and downs. We would do book studies at times and somehow we were fortunate enough to have Frank join us along the way.

Dr. Frank Seekins was a younger looking thinner Santa Clause of a man who at that time was a speaker, counselor and the founder of Living Word Pictures that used the original Hebrew alphabet to teach precepts. He was incredibly smart, kind and knowledgeable but we hung out with him anyway. This guy was someone Steve and I needed in our twosome to balance us out. Steve was brilliant but we both struggled with LRS at the time. (Low Relationship Savvy).

Frank soon took on the status of mentor, counselor, all around advice giver and for good reason. He knew relationships and women, even wrote a book called Circles and Ladders, referred to terms such as mannish and womanish, and the different ways we heard and felt things. It was that way for years. We were sponges. When I was stuck, he would encourage us to call and he would talk me through precepts and always in the conversation would say “You are a good man Greg” and then proceed to educate me on my most recent mental roadblock or struggle I had found/put myself in.

He gave these incredible seminars at the Kessler’s down the street and Steves wife Ginny would make dinner for everyone there hanging out in their living room. He would teach and we felt like we were very fortunate to be his friends. And in awe of his knowledge. A feeling that never left us. Steve and I would always say that if Franks marriage to his wife Sally wasn’t challenging that Frank would never has been as motivated as he was to learn and in turn pass on that knowledge to us. And all marriages are challenging, his included.

For example: Frank always approached me and other men with respect. He would say that men were much better listeners when you first told them that they were good men, what they were doing well and then come behind that with the reason you wanted to talk. And with talking with women we men needed to lead with feelings, not issues. Men were overwhelmed with feelings and women didn’t do well with issues. All sorts of pearls like that.

There were many other precepts that I would love to share and gladly will if you are interested as I have notes. Lots of them. The 10 realities, the 5 levels of friendships, that a women’s worst fear is being deserted and alone and a man’s worst fear is being overwhelmed. (Will post some below)

Soon our group grew and we ended up at times with an 80 year old psychologist, a tech savant, a recovering alcoholic and Frank and Steve and others. No rhyme or reason or church affiliation. Just 5 or so guys who loved to listen to Frank talk. And he loved being the teacher, the authority and he loved pouring into other people. He never paid for breakfast on Monday mornings for over 20 years.

I would always ask how he was, and he was always fine. Content to hear about us and our family/work/marriage issues he would not open up about his. I would ask. He would share that he had a brutal childhood full of parental anger and I think that is another reason besides Sally he wanted to be a better man. He would say that if he let the anger come through that he had known grown up he would be a mess. So we didn’t ask after we got roadblocked and he just kept on giving and we freely accepted. We gave to the ministry gladly, he would never ask and let it be.

It’s now been two weeks since Franks funeral. A man who was always on the other end of the phone giving Godly advice, teaching, listening and most of all encouraging you to have a closer walk with Jesus is now gone. At the funeral were people who were touched by him and better off from knowing him. There were many of us. His younger sister who he protected right up to the end even when he knew he was dying he was worried about how she would be. That was Frank. Many others whose lives he changed with his availability, caring, wisdom. He was a giver and I am a better man for knowing him and his investment in me and others.

But it was not all Jesus and roses in Franks life. I received a call from Sally years ago that he was having difficulties and asked if I would talk to him and he wouldn’t let me. Another year later Sally by now had left him and he had had another stroke, she asked if I would go over and see him and he told me I could not and seemed mad that he was looked at as vulnerable. For a man so many needed and relied on he was incapable of letting anyone in and need them back. I wish he would have let us in. To return the favor. I just should have drove up there.

At his funeral where people were sharing his giving and the impact he made, his only daughter stood up and basically called him a transphobe and homophobe. She had mistaken his funeral for a Portland activist gathering. He was voted off the family island at the end of his life by her. Because he quietly didn’t want his granddaughter to transition. He wasn’t angry about it, didn’t stop loving anyone, didn’t make a scene, just didn’t agree. And that was enough in today’s world to get you canceled, even in your own family. Except for his son Alec, who has been standing steadfast by his Dad, a pastor now in his own right, protected and loved his Dad straddling the canyon in his family the best he could loving both his sisters and brother and Mom and his Dad. His Dad would have been beaming with pride.

Because as I sat there listening to his daughter take her turn to remember her Father by making it a cause for her now son, I pictured Frank sitting next to me leaning over to me and saying “She must really be hurting.” Because unlike me, Frank saw anger as hurt, he tried to teach me that over and over. I saw anger as anger and Frank always saw past that. He was gifted that way, he had so much experience with anger on the receiving end he was an expert on its deeper meaning.

I’m not judging anyone, especially Sally or his daughter. I didn’t live with Frank or wasn’t raised by him. But I met with him every week in his last 25 years. I knew his heart. He adored his kids and grandkids and his wife. His life’s goal was to be the best man he could be. The ultimate irony may be that for all he knew, he missed a very important precept. That is in order to have the marriage he always wanted and strived for, that he needed to be vulnerable, transparent, let his wife in and work out with each others help, both of their old wounds together. And get better. Closer. Stronger. Because isn’t that what one of the biggest parts of marriage is? Emotional not just physical intimacy? Someone who knows who you really are and loves you anyway? And sees the whole picture? That may have been the one thing that could have made all the difference.

I’m devastated by his loss. It lingers beneath the surface. I feel like I took him for granted. I didn’t realize after he went into assisted living after two strokes what I was missing. I also was in denial. He wouldn’t have lunch with me or let me visit, always pushing me off to a couple of weeks from now. That turned into a year. I should have known better and just shown up. I knew something was up. I’m not exactly shy. I expected to see him again and after he got out of there I guess I thought Mondays mornings would start up again someday and we would once again reap the benefits of his wisdom.

I missed it. Not the first time for me. So in my grief I wanted to write it down and tell you about Frank Seekins. And that good godly men are still out there. Living beautiful but messy lives like the rest of us. God sent him to a lot of us and we are better off for knowing him. He was a good man. His life was incredibly meaningful, and he is sorely missed.

I have three men for most of my last two decades that mean the world to me. My Dad in memory care now doesn’t remember me, my friend Steve also has dementia and has had to quit practicing medicine and Frank is now gone. Unbelievable the impact these men had.

So thank you for letting me share. I know Frank is walking with Jesus just like he said he wanted to at the age of 7 and he is where he wanted to be. Just that some of us selfishly weren’t ready for it. I’m joyfully happy for him if that seems possible. So grateful he was in my life. I’m holding on to that.

When I’m not crying…

Some more precepts from Frank:

The 5 Friendships

• Level 1) To spend time with and like the person you see.
• Level 2) Protect the other person.
• Level 3) Share you heart, soul, fears, hopes and shame with. Have to have the first two of these before you can have the third. to partner with.
• Level 4) Love: People you pay the price with. All that I have is yours in the area of the partnership.
• Level 5) Beloved: Complete safety, sharing, whatever it takes we will do. You belong to each other. Fruit of the first 4. Fruit not action. Enjoyment and delight of the other person. True love. Choosing the other person over ourselves. True intimacy.

Comfort Phrases for Him

• It’s going to be OK. No big deal.
• You are not in trouble.
• I’m on your side.
• You are a great man, a godly man, I feel deserted and want you back.

Comfort Phrases for Her

• I need to say I’m stuck and need some time with The Lord.
• You deserve to be loved and respected.
• I’m in this completely and whatever it takes.

My anger is a result of projecting my stress upon others. I start blaming others for making myself unhappy when it reality it is me making me unhappy.

Men and woman who don’t grow up with a faithful, powerful Mother grow up with fear.

Men and woman who don’t grow up with a strong loving Father grow up with anger.

Men who don’t trust their Mom, won’t tend to trust women, won’t trust the wife when she is processing like a woman.

Women who grew up with a Father they could not trust or unsafe don’t trust men and won’t trust their husband when he is processing like a man.

A Man who didn’t trust his Father won’t trust men and won’t trust himself when processing as a man. He’ll end up jumping to emotion, control or wanting his wife to fix everything.

Same thing for a woman.

(He and his wife Sally earlier on did premarital counseling, they took no money and he lived off donations and speaking engagements all over the country and sometimes the world. If you go to www.livingwordpictures.com you can see and purchase all of his material.)